Raising the Bar: A Love Story

I used to live at the bar, one in particular, Mr. Beery's. It's a dive. Back when I was 17 I started frequenting this hole-in-the-wall. When I turned 21 I had to tell everyone it was my 25th birthday. Before 2004 this was a place for sad old people and bikers. Over the years they've been booking "better" bands and hiring younger bartenders and now it's geared toward emo dweebs. Just thought I'd give you a little background. You're welcome.

I think this story takes place around 2003-ish. My bar years are mushing together these days. There's this crazy lady named D-Rock, who to this day, is still there every night. She's probably in her 50's but she looks to be about 100 years old. She has a raspy voice, dresses in leather and calls all the younger regulars her "grandbabies". Her nephew, Jimmy, came to the bar one night to see her. He was decent looking and seemed fairly normal for someone related to D. He starts talking to me and buys me a drink (the way to my heart). At some point in the night he says, "Would you go out with me?". I thought a date would be nice since I had only been on one up until this point in my life, so I said yes. He immediately starts telling everyone who will listen that I'm his "girlfriend". Oh, I'm sorry. I thought we were out of junior high school. Silly of me to confuse "asking someone out" with "going out with someone".

At this point I realize that he must be just as nuts as his aunt. I'm not going to lie, I was a little disappointed that I was not going to wined and dined. However, I did think this was hysterical. I decided to play along, don't judge.

The next night I meet him up at Beery's (BTW, I refused to give him my number). He brings me flowers. I'm not really a big flower person, especially not in a bar. Especially not THIS bar, especially not from him. He tells me that some woman wants to kick my ass because she's in love with him. She must be a prize. He then mentions that she's at Beery's too and points her out. HO-LEE-CRAP. Sitting at the end of the bar is this woman big enough to eclipse the sun. She looked like Mimi from The Drew Carey Show, only with brown hair. She was as wide as she was tall and had on what can only be described as 'clown makeup' she was also wearing what had to be a moo-moo, no joke. This whole situation was becoming more and more comical by the minute.

Jimmy is a hanger. I hate being leaned on and clung to. Unless I actually like the person, then it's okay in moderation. Now he was staring to get on my nerves. I had to shake him off me and force him to sit a seat away. Mimi-Twin had been staring a hole through me the whole night, looking at me like I'm a picnic lunch. Then it happens. Jimmy says we should get married. Wow. This must be every girl's dream. Laughing, I say yes. I put out my hand for a ring. He obviously doesn't know how to propose because he holds my hand instead. Then he starts to lean in to kiss me. I've never in my life eaten snacks off the bar, but desperate times call for desperate measures. I reached over an grabbed pretzels and shoved them in my mouth. I finish chewing and asked him where my ring is. He informed me that he doesn't have money for a ring. I asked him how he was going to afford a wedding and any children I might bear for him. His answer: "We're in love. Everything else will work out". I spit out my drink.

Although hysterical, I thought I should take a day off from the madness. Plus, I'm pretty sure Large Marge wanted to swallow me whole. Someone at the bar gave my "fiance" my number. No one would admit to it for fear of being killed by me. Jimbo called me over and over from a payphone. I didn't answer. Things started to add up. He had no phone and no car. I didn't know his last name and he proposed with no intention of buying me some bling, all within a few days time. He had serial killer written all over him.

The next night, after a day of 900 phone calls from various payphones, I met him at the bar. I tried ignoring him, but it wasn't working. I acted like a bitch, I yelled at him and flirted with anyone who walked by. He looked sad and defeated, which made me almost feel bad for a split second until I remembered that he's certifiable. Then he said something snarky to me so I yelled for all of Mr. Beery's to hear, "How can you treat me like this? I thought you loved me! I can't marry such a douche! The wedding is off!" I was going to throw the engagement ring at him, but there was none. He ruined my attempt at being over dramatic.

Big Bertha smiled at the end of the bar. I hadn't noticed earlier that she was missing a tooth or two. Cringe. He left with her that night. A few weeks later I heard they were engaged. He must have wanted to take his time with her and not rush like he did with me. They deserve each other. I hope they spawn a whole army of ugly, crazy children, just for fun. Maybe those kids will grow up and repeat the lunatic cycle of life, that is, if their mother doesn't mistake them for Bonbons and accidentally eat them.

Good times.