Facebook Quizes

Why do I bother, really? Nine times out of ten, they are completely off, but I just can't help myself. It's like crack or Pringles... or both.


JP completed the quiz "which country hates you?" with the result "antartica hates you"

"You are peppy and loud and far too giddy. Go away, you are giving them a migrane and they want nothing to do with you. They are sick of you pep rally's to save the polar bears! The polar bears are ok and don't need you a.d.h.d help ok?! I know it may be hard to comprehend but you are too accepting and nice and you will regret it soon. Leave antartica alone, they don't want you no matter how much you did to support their causes."

Absolutely inaccurate. Loud? Maybe, but in an obnoxious bitchy way, not preppy and certainly not giddy. Those words have never been used to describe me unless it was preceded by, "JP is most certainly NOT..." Also, I have OCD, not ADHD. I am the opposite of accepting and nice, I'm dry, sarcastic, cynical and crabby. Polar bears don't want me near them? Well they can stay the hell away from me too because I might just make a nice rug for myself out of them. In addition, whomever wrote the quiz results should immediately return to the third grade for spelling and grammar lessons. Morons.



This one was slightly more accurate:

JP completed the quiz "Scrubs Personality Quiz" with the result "Dr. Kelso"

You are business first...ALWAYS! You take your job very seriously, because you feel that is the best way to approach everything. You like jokes and fun, but only when you're the one doing it. Deep, Deep, DEEP, down, you are very kind and caring, but it takes a lot for you to show it. You are the boss, and people know it, and are intimidated by you, and that's how you like it.

Honestly, I thought I was going to get Dr. Cox. This is result doesn't make me as sad as the other quizzes. Dr. Kelso would have been my next choice. I don't have a job to take seriously. I do like jokes and fun but only when I'm the one doing it or the other person has the same sense of humor as me. Deep, deep, deep down I still don't give a rat's ass. You'd have to get deeper than that. I am the boss, but no one listens to me anyway.


JP completed the quiz, "Which 80's Song Describes You" with the result, "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun"

You live in the moment and life is a big party. You rarely come home before dawn, and your phone rings at all hours of the night. You still don't know what you want to be when you grow up, and your parents are constantly on your case about your lighthearted attitude towards the future. Your bedroom has an impossibly tall ceiling.

I'm not sure what the height of my bedroom ceiling has to do with anything, especially considering I live in a basement apartment, it's not that tall. On the other hand, this quiz might actually have been dead on. I don't get around to partying all that often anymore, but when I get the chance, I go all out. My phone does ring at all hours of the night and my parents (even though I don't live with them) still wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life. I may be a cranky betch, but I'm a fun cranky betch.

In Dreams

I'm not talking about the RDJ movie, I'm talking about what happens during the off chance I catch some sleep. The other night I had a dream about the Red Eye (Fox) boys. Of course, it was the last thing I watched on TV before dozing off.

I was babysitting Greg, Bill and Andy; in the dream they were toddlers (which would almost make this more of a nightmare). Anyway, I was trying to prove that Bill was gay so I handed a fake toy phone to Greg and Andy and tried to get them to talk on it. They both threw the toy without hesitation. Then I gave the phone to Bill who proceeded to talk a mile a minute on it, hence proving my hypothesis since we all know that straight men generally don't like to talk on the phone.

Also in that same dream I went to Target and when I got there I realized that I had no shoes on. They had recently moved everything in the store around and I had no clue where anything was. I ran into my friend there and she and I had to search for the shoe section. We never found it.

Halloween 2009

I was on the phone with KT and Halloween came up. At this time my kid was "exercising" on my "yogurt mat". KT suggested that I dress her up as Olivia Newton-John like in the video "Physical" for the big day. I thought this was an excellent idea and will be so much better than all the other kids in her class dressed up as Spiderman and Disney Princesses. LAME!

I'm in the process of drawing up a picture to show just how awesome it will be. While I was thinking about her costume I thought it would be a great idea to convince my youngest nephew to be her ex-boyfriend who faked his death.

Her costume: Side ponytail (teased hair), head and wrist bands, tank top with an over sized off-the-shoulder short sweatshirt, leotard, leggings, leg warmers, BK high tops, blue eyeshadow, pink lipstick and way too much blush.

His costume: Bad toupee, creepy look on his face, fishing pole, fake passport and plane tickets to Mexico.

The best part of my idea is taking pictures of the whole ordeal.
Picture 1: Them together
Picture 2: Him running away
Picture 3: Her crying to news crew
Picture 4: Him on beach with a drink

Now I just have to get my nephew on board! Somehow I don't think my sister is going to go for this.

Is the General Population Stupid or Are They Just Dumb?

I'm in the process of helping my friend find a new car. I saw an ad for a 2003 Honda priced at $3,100. I thought this was a bit odd since I have a 2005 Honda that's worth nearly $11,000. I sent an email to ask a few questions:

Hi, I saw your ad for the 2003 Honda and I had a few questions.

Does the backseat have the latch hooks for a baby/child car seat?
Has the car been in any accidents and would a car fax report be available?
Are the miles mainly highway or city?
Is there a maintenance record available?

Thanks! JP


Here is the email I received back:

Hello there,

I'm writing you regarding my 2003 Honda Accord EX Sedan. The car is in perfect condition, no scratches or any damages and it has a clear title. The car has 83,765 miles on it. If you are interested in purchasing, the price is $3100. I sell the car at this price because I can't enjoy it due to my job (I work as a casino dealer on a cruise ship) plus that I have some personal problems. Regarding the payment I will use only eBay Vehicle Purchase Protection Program so we can both be protected. I just need your full name and address so i can open a case.(with no further obligation or fees). Please reply

Mileage 83,765
Body Style Sedan
Exterior Color Nighthawk Black Pearl
Interior Color Gray
Engine 4 Cylinder Gasoline
Transmission 5 Speed Automatic
Drive Type 2 wheel drive - front
Fuel Type Gasoline
Doors Four Door

Have a nice day!

Thank you!
Samantha


Um, what? This is all the same crap you had in the original ad (minus the part about your job and personal problems). You seem a little slow, but that doesn't mean I am. Here is what I wrote back:

Hi, thanks for the quick reply. I'm looking for a car for my friend.

You didn't address any of my other questions. I need to make sure that a child's car seat will be secure (the latch hook question) and also about the car fax report, the maintenance record and if the mileage on the car is city or highway.

I'm sorry to hear about your "problems" but that's not my concern. Also, I don't need to know what you do for a living. You could be a hooker for all I care. You should actually read the email I sent you. Maybe next time you write back you could make the response slightly relevant.

Thanks again,
JP

Am I wrong here? Stay tuned for updates on this on-going saga.... if Dimwit actually writes back.

Jesus H Christ!

If you're a serious Christian, I suggest skipping this particular entry.

A little religious background: My mom (the church lady) is Lutheran, my dad was raised Catholic but once he was done with Cath school he became Agnostic. My sisters and I were raised Lutheran. I've been Agnostic for the last 7 or 8 years.

I have nothing against other religions. I like learning about them actually, but if you really love Jesus, I implore you not to read on.

The story of Jesus Hesus [hay-soos] Christ (that's what the "H" stands for, you know. I thought for a while that it was "Harold" but I was wrong).

Jesus was a drama queen. Walking on water, c'mon. What a show off. Besides, the real story is much more interesting. Here's how it goes: Jesus and his pals were hanging out, doing their thang, you know turning water into wine (that's another story), drinking and having a good time. There was a light rain outside, so they were indoors. Once it stopped raining they decided to go walk around town, at this point they were ossified. They stopped in town square to socialize and talk to chicks. Right there in the middle of town was a huge shallow puddle. J-Hoose (as his Canadian friends called him) was splashing in the puddle, minding his own business. His crew (drunk as they were) started yelling and carrying on that JHC was walking on water. Jesus thought this was great. All the townsfolk were cheering him and word spread throughout the land that he was somehow subhuman. What people don't know about this story is that Jesus was so pissed that he got his Birkenstocks all muddy.

In relation to Jesus, I offer up this little gem:

Since the rest of my family celebrates x-mas, I go along with it. I like getting presents. Up until last year I did a good job of keeping Jesus out of it for the sake of my daughter. Someone thought it was a good idea to give her a book about baby Jesus and then to add insult to injury, they read it to her. Needless to say, I've since hidden this book from her. I try to emphasize Santa. He's the cool one. One day shortly after the holidays she was talking about baby Jesus and his birthday aka Christmas. My response: "Did Jesus ever get you anything? Does he sneak in and leave you cool presents? No. No he didn't. Do you know why? It's because he's selfish and doesn't care. Santa's ass is the one you should be kissing. HE brings you presents because he's a cool guy."

Unfortunately, she repeated this to her dad and I got yelled at. I hope she doesn't tell the kids at school someday. No one will want to sit near me at the PTA meetings. It's not my fault that she remembers everything. I hope she'll thank me when she's older for being honest with her. Oh, except for lying to her about Santa.

Bring on the hate mail!

Pants Off Dance Off

Pants-shmants!

Everyone that knows me, knows that I don't like to wear pants when I'm sitting around my house. Also if you know me, I've mooned you at some point for complaining about me walking around in my undies. I (usually) have a long-ish t-shirt on, so I don't see the problem.

These days instead of bothering my parents and younger sister with my pants-less-ness, I scar my nephews. I live in an apartment in my older sister's house. She and her husband have five kids. The older ones should learn to knock or just stay out of my apartment all together. The younger ones haven't seemed to notice, mostly because they don't like to wear pants either. My oldest nephew in particular has not only seen me sans pants, but has also barged into my apartment when I was walking around in my bra (I actually had pants on that day). You think he would have learned by now. The thing they should really worry about is that fact that I don't like to wear underwear once I put pants on. I try to remember to wear it when I have a skirt on. The gays seem to really appreciate the effort I've been putting forth in this area, as do most of my friends.

Why should I compromise my comfort for the well being of others? The answer: I shouldn't. If you have issues with other people's semi-nudeness, that's your problem, not mine.

I think it was a lot worse when I lived with my ex-boyfriend. We lived with his two sisters and one of them was married with two kids. Also, his best friend lived there too. He was a drummer in a band that was sort of popular around the Long Island underground scene. He always had musician friends and groupies in and out of the house. Back then, I was skinnier and in better shape, so I really didn't care, although the drifters were kind of put off. Like most of those people don't walk around their own houses half naked. Suck it up, suckers!

I also don't like wearing shoes. I wear flip flops from April to October. When I was a teenager my friends and I would wander the streets all day during the summer and I wouldn't wear anything on my feet. Thinking about it now, that was a pretty bad (and gross) idea, but I was a dumb teenager, so that's my excuse.

Coats and jackets bother me too. I never wear them. I don't care how cold or snowy or rainy it is, I refuse. They are nothing short of annoying. I can't drive when I'm all restricted with a big clunky coat on. It's so much more comfortable to just wear a hooded sweatshirt over whatever I'm wearing. If it's a fancy occasion, I just don't wear one at all. If you think about it, I'm walking from my house to my car and from my car to where ever, so what's the point? I'm only out in the cold for a minute. Besides, freezing your ass off builds character, or at least that's what my parents told me when they didn't want to rive me to school in the winter.

If it's any consolation, I always wear a bra.

Partial List of Celebs I Stalk

I should really make an effort to come up with something to write once a day. I'm going to give it the old college try.

I watched Eagle Eye last night. At first I only started watching it because Shia Labeouf was in it, turns out it was a really good movie.

I'd like to take this opportunity to point out that *I* thought he was cute when he was in the Disney TV series "Even Stevens". Back then I was a nanny and the kids I babysat watched the show. I remember thinking that he would grow up to be a good looking adult, and MAN was I right! I never let it slip though, I could have gone to jail... but now that he's in his 20's it's okay for me to say such things. Now I'd be known as a cradle robber and not so much a sick pedophile, which of course is much better.

Also in the movie is one of my favorites, Billy Bob. I like older men, but I'd have to be older than I am now in order to stalk him. No more than 20 years older than me is acceptable. Billy Bob is a little younger than my parents, that would make for some awkward holidays. He and my dad could sit around and reminisce about the 60's. Maybe they went to Woodstock together.

RDJ is still in my grasp but he had to go and get married. I think I liked him better as a druggie anyway and not so into health food and vitamins (Yuck!). Of course if he were to get a divorce and come knocking on my door, I'd eat that crap and take those pills with a smile on my face.

Then there is Anthony LaPaglia. He's too old for me too, which make me sad. It also makes me happy in a way. Sometimes he makes a face or the camera is at a certain angle and he looks like an Italian version of an Irish guy I dated once. It's kind of creepy. On the topic of "Without a Trace", I'm also a big fan of Enrique Murciano. He is perfectly in my age range specifications. Just throwing that out there, Enrique, in case you ever read this. According to IMDB.com he can change a flat tire in 1 minute and 19 seconds. This would certainly come in handy considering the way I drive. Again, just putting it out there.

Well there you have it, whoever "you" may be... probably talking to myself. The partial list of celebs I stalk. Just in case anyone is reading too into that word, I mean cyber stalk, I don't actually show up at anyone's house. Although... that could be arranged if any of the said celebrities were interested.

Top Ten Reasons Why Gay Marriage is a Bad Idea

I didn't write this, I found it somewhere on the great world wide web, but I love it, so here it is:

1. Being gay is not natural. Real Americans always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, and air conditioning.

2. Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.

3. Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.

4. Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed at all; women are still property, blacks still can't marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.

5. Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed; the sanctity of Britney Spears' 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed.

6. Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn't be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren't full yet, and the world needs more children.

7. Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.

8. Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That's why we have only one religion in America.

9. Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That's why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.

10. Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven't adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans

Liberals & Toddlers

"I'm surrounded by small whiny people... No, not liberals, toddlers. Although I can see where that might have been confusing." ~Me

Believe it or not, people trust me with the care of their children, don't ask, I have no answer. Over time I noticed a trend. Liberals and toddlers are very similar. Here is where I'll keep a running list as the similarities come to light.

Liberals are like toddlers:

~They lie
~They smell funny
~They cry about everything
~They can dish it, but they can't take it
~They don't make any sense, but they talk over you anyway
~Even if they get caught red handed they either blame someone else or they pretend it never happened
~They can both drive a sane person to drink
~They make a mess and YOU have to clean it up
~They both take things from you and yell, "MINE!"

Blog I Wrote for Another Web Site 11/5/08

Oh Boy... Obama
Nov 5 2008 12:20AM

Don't bother flaming, this is for me to vent.

I'm extremely disappointed in the outcome of this election. I am scared for this country more than I've been during 8 years of W. A man whose birth certificate was in question, whose pastor hates white people, who fraternizes with domestic terrorists, whose wife thinks we are a mean country, who won't wear an American flag pin, who wants to change the National Anthem, who was to socialize healthcare, who wants to take money from the people who worked hard for it and give it to others (these among other things) is now leader of the free world.

I've always been proud to be an American, tonight I'm sad and scared for this country. I think a mistake has been made.

The double standards during this past year have been incredible. I feel like most of the country has been brain-washed by a smooth talker and ignored the living hero who nearly died for us. I don't care what anyone says, I do not stand behind him, the same as I did not stand behind Bush. I'm not a racist (since this seems to be the retort for disagreeing with Obama) I do not agree with anything he stands for. Somehow being a republican or a conservative makes you evil or racist or both these days. I'm not interested in making history. I don't look at this as a historical election, regardless of what the outcome could/would have been. I'm concerned with my values and my family. I'm generous when I can be and I'll help my friends or a DESERVING stranger (whom *I* choose). I am NOT my brother's keeper and I don't feel like I should be forced to be.

He is a shady character and I don't like this one bit. This is going to be bad. Very bad.



(8-16-09)
I should have been a psychic... or maybe unlike most people I was actually paying attention.

Thanks Blake Shelton

Thanks for being hot, talented, funny and an anti-supporter of PETA (they are dipshits!).

Also, thank you for bringing up that a (large) drunk woman fell across your lap on the airplane. You gave me a flashback of a trip I took when I was 17.

My BFF moved to Florida when we were 13. Every year after that my parents would put me on a plane and send me down to stay with her for like 2 weeks. I thought they were being nice, but thinking about it now, I think it was more for them than for me and Kristin.

One x-mas vacation when I was 17, or maybe I was 16, I could have been 18, whatever. Anycrap, I had gotten bumped off my flight and rescheduled for the next one. Mind you, my parents didn't stay at the airport with me, they would drop me off at the outside baggage claim and be on their merry-me-less way. So the airline gave me quite a few coupons for free alcoholic drinks or snacks for all the inconvenience. So I finally get on the plane in the last row, you know, the loudest spot on the whole aircraft, the ass of the plane. I'm sitting next to this guy, whose name is escaping me at the moment, he's like 35ish. He also had a bunch of coupons. I was not old enough by a long shot to order my own drinks. So this guy (let's call him Sam for the hell of it), Sam thought it would be a good idea for him to order my drinks for me so they wouldn't card me. It went like this: Sam says, "I'll have a gin & tonic, and my wife here will have a rum and coke." I was in heaven and seriously thought about telling Kristin to hit the road, for Sam was my new BFF.

Well, if you know me, you realize that those coupons ran out before we were over the Carolinas. Sam's did too. Also if you know me, I sometimes get a little boisterous when I drink (just a little). Apparently Sam does too. Boisterous and fricking hysterical! Well, we thought we were anyway. A few other passengers offered their drink coupons to us if we would just shut up. I guess they don't get our humor. So needless to say we went through those coupons like they would explode if we didn't hurry up and use them.

Sam and I had a wonderful drunk time on the ride down to West Palm Beach and in a way I was so happy that I had gotten bumped off that first flight. I stumbled into the airport where Kristin and her boyfriend were waiting for me, I said goodbye to Sam and then I puked.

Oh Sam, I wish I could remember your real name. You were such a great pretend husband. I hope someday I marry someone just like you.


November 2, 2009: I remembered his name when I was trying to go to sleep last night! Well, I'm like 90% sure. It's Ryan! Or Tom. I'm pretty sure it's Ryan.