Jesus H Christ!

If you're a serious Christian, I suggest skipping this particular entry.

A little religious background: My mom (the church lady) is Lutheran, my dad was raised Catholic but once he was done with Cath school he became Agnostic. My sisters and I were raised Lutheran. I've been Agnostic for the last 7 or 8 years.

I have nothing against other religions. I like learning about them actually, but if you really love Jesus, I implore you not to read on.

The story of Jesus Hesus [hay-soos] Christ (that's what the "H" stands for, you know. I thought for a while that it was "Harold" but I was wrong).

Jesus was a drama queen. Walking on water, c'mon. What a show off. Besides, the real story is much more interesting. Here's how it goes: Jesus and his pals were hanging out, doing their thang, you know turning water into wine (that's another story), drinking and having a good time. There was a light rain outside, so they were indoors. Once it stopped raining they decided to go walk around town, at this point they were ossified. They stopped in town square to socialize and talk to chicks. Right there in the middle of town was a huge shallow puddle. J-Hoose (as his Canadian friends called him) was splashing in the puddle, minding his own business. His crew (drunk as they were) started yelling and carrying on that JHC was walking on water. Jesus thought this was great. All the townsfolk were cheering him and word spread throughout the land that he was somehow subhuman. What people don't know about this story is that Jesus was so pissed that he got his Birkenstocks all muddy.

In relation to Jesus, I offer up this little gem:

Since the rest of my family celebrates x-mas, I go along with it. I like getting presents. Up until last year I did a good job of keeping Jesus out of it for the sake of my daughter. Someone thought it was a good idea to give her a book about baby Jesus and then to add insult to injury, they read it to her. Needless to say, I've since hidden this book from her. I try to emphasize Santa. He's the cool one. One day shortly after the holidays she was talking about baby Jesus and his birthday aka Christmas. My response: "Did Jesus ever get you anything? Does he sneak in and leave you cool presents? No. No he didn't. Do you know why? It's because he's selfish and doesn't care. Santa's ass is the one you should be kissing. HE brings you presents because he's a cool guy."

Unfortunately, she repeated this to her dad and I got yelled at. I hope she doesn't tell the kids at school someday. No one will want to sit near me at the PTA meetings. It's not my fault that she remembers everything. I hope she'll thank me when she's older for being honest with her. Oh, except for lying to her about Santa.

Bring on the hate mail!